In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
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My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Holy shit he’s back
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”