[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.