In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
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bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
What?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible