Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.