@Cornjerker78

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

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@cashbonez

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

@_elvishpresley_

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

@UnfilteredMama

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

@FKACornshucks

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

@Home_Halfway

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

@slimmy_shady

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

@SirEviscerate

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

@Cheeseboy22

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

@robdelaney

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.