in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
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I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”