In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
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How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.