In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
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Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww