In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
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no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.