In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
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My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
*pronounces carrot like tarot*