[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
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Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact