[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

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When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’


fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever


Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training


WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish


Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison


[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.


It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge


Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”


Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?