@bea_ker

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

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@andlikelaura

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

@ddsmidt

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

@elle91

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

@KizerBillhelm

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

@BenjaminJS

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

@Momfia

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

@Arrogant_Twat

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

@secondofhername

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

@ParasiteHilton

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*