[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
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hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.