[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

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[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*


I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.


My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.


As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.


Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”


The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together


My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.


Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.


The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*


*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*


*underlines it*