[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
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” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Best spoiler warning ever
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*skinny dips into black hole
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁