In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
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Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
How do you milk an almond?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school