In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
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[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Nice try, NASA
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.