In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit