In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”