In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
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There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.