@_SouthernMama

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

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@ShrinkMedia

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

@AweShadySome

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

@JoeMeatloaf

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

@SteveSuckington

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

@PinkCamoTO

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

@DairylandDon

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

@JimmerThatisAll

“OK men, spread out.”

“Oat?”

“What?”

“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”

“Dammit.”

Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

@coolgirl0nline

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

@ghostkrogh

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

@TheBoydP

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?