In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

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My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.


My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!


I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???


Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary


When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”


If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.


“OK men, spread out.”



“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”


Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.


not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact


me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken


Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?