In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
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Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
#math
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.