In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
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My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?