In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
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When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying