In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
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When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Sooo many times…..
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!