In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.