In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
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[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT