In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
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My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower