[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
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I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.