[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
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While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
this makes me so uncomfortable
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes