@causticbob And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
@daemonic3 [in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
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@causticbob 
@ShutUpThatsWho [texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
@SirFlushaLot I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
@Pundamentalism Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
@Ivsy01 People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
@TheBoydP Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
@kevinthedad “All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
@Birdhumms I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
@suecorvette * overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
@PajamaStew I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.