[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

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And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.


[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done


I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes


Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.


People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.


Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.


“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me


I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!


* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!


I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.