@daemonic3

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

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@causticbob

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

@SirFlushaLot

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

@Pundamentalism

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

@Ivsy01

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

@TheBoydP

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

@kevinthedad

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

@Birdhumms

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

@suecorvette

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

@PajamaStew

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.