[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
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The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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When the stylist spins you back around
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!