[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
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It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
My biological clock is wheezing.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair