In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
You Might Also Like
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭