[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
the rocks need my help
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.