[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
You Might Also Like
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.