<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
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*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I’m awake but I object,
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”