[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
You Might Also Like
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.