[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
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And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.