[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
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As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Ok, but like, how married are you?