[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
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After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.