[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
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Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Uh oh…
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.