[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
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There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
the world’s most popular steaming services
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Breaking news:
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit