[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
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ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good