[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
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Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
japanese corn
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
so, is there a mister shapen head
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid