In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
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Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.