In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
You Might Also Like
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I’m giving up for Lent.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.