In Canada they just call them geese
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one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.