In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
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I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.