“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
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Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying