IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
You Might Also Like
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
taking June’s advice to heart
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.