In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
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Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
This took me a second..
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!