In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
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My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”