in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
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*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
these two trucks have the same bed length
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
It was worth a shot 😂
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
wow he looks just like him
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.