In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
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Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.