@Goofpoops

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

You Might Also Like

@Duke1173

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

@babblinbrooke4

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

@fillthevacuum

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

@birbigs

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

@E_lok44

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

@GloriaFallon123

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

@dafloydsta

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

@booyahchadly

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

@joeldanger

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.