@Duke1173 As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
@Goofpoops In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
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@Duke1173 
@babblinbrooke4 I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
@haveigotnews Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
@fillthevacuum *died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
@birbigs Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
@E_lok44 If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
@GloriaFallon123 The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
@dafloydsta HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
@booyahchadly Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
@joeldanger Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.