Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
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Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Botany good plants lately?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here