@XplodingUnicorn

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

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@Cheeseboy22

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

@PJTLynch

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

@squirrel74wkgn

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

@WVUPRT

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

@chapel3929

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

@DirtMcTurd

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

@chrisdowning

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

@fro_vo

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here