In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
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employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping