in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
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[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Snapes on a plane.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]